On coming to the edge…..

Dear where-I-am-now,
Selling our home and leaving the city to move to these wild mountains
has felt like a crazy-big leap to this wide-eyed heart of mine
and I find myself both smitten and on edge.
Even as we felt led to this place,  it still feels like I’ve wandered into a secret garden
and if I only whisper above a hush I might jiggle loose the dream
and wake it all up.

But my brain hollers down that this is real,  even as your dark ridges seem to sing their stories
into shades that paint the only sky I’ve known into a brave new world of color
and I must yield my fascination to what my senses find both thrilling and threatening.
You hold me already inspired and in awe and I’m pretty sure I love you .
So here is what I need my heart to hear –
please listen hard, dear heart,  and hear this well.

I’m not here to perform….not for anyone at all.
I don’t need to impress and should that somehow happen,
I don’t want to let it – or even the possibility of it – put pressure on me.
I won’t carry the burden of hoping to win you.
I want to be completely and peacefully me.

I don’t have a neat answer for why I’m here so it’s hard to say;
this is something I may be discovering for a while.
I’ll be building something….. making my art and telling my stories and living out loud
this one life I’ve been given
but I won’t be taking the time or energy to compare myself
to your amazing people,  even though I’m falling for you.
I believe I belong but can’t promise I’ll fit
and I’ll choose to be okay with that
every time I feel the squeeze.

I’ve gotta do me,
however that goes and wherever it takes or leaves me.
I want to show up to uncertainty with some pluck
and make bountiful mistakes
and wink at the unknown.
To make love to my life without neat, hard lines,
without filing things down to seem familiar.
I aim to meet you always with a barefoot heart,
unguarded and grinning of grace.
To meet you as simply me as I can be.

Oh please let this next chapter find me true.

“People think chutzpah is in the genes.
It isn’t …..it’s in the needing and wanting and being willing to fall on your face.
It isn’t fun…who wants all that rejection,
but life is sweeter if you make yourself do uncomfortable things.”
– Helen Gurley Brown

“Come to the edge,”  he said.
“We can’t!  We’re afraid!”  they responded.
“Come to the edge,”  he said.
“We can’t!  We will fall!”  they responded.
“Come to the edge,”  he said.
So they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.”
– Guillaume Apollinaire

I’ve been in the thick of an edgy move and am ready to make my words again
For a short while I’ve been rendered speechless:)
Thank you for coming back again.
I’ve missed you and value you so.