enough to just be….

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I’ve been sick in my head,
a woozy, dopey sinus tantrum so stuffy and poundy
I want to fling myself across my cool bed
and never again turn my big honker upside down
to plant and prune and work the ground.
Yep,  my head feels like an enormous ham
and the rest of me is tired from hauling it around.

I didn’t share my fuzzy thoughts with you last week;
the words got mashed behind my nose
and wouldn’t drip or dribble out either.
I didn’t like that,  I missed you
and still my head still feels  stuffed with
gauze and bristle.

so I scooched back in my blog to some old stuff
and found something I love
from last year around this time
when I was also taking a pounding

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 overheating inside and melting down,
fear shaking me hard
and it so fits because when I get sick I get scared
(does that happen to you, too?)
it’s not cozy like when I taught;
I don’t get a substitute person now.

This is what whispered away the dark:
” wildflowers singing their wisdom from roadways and fields
took me in,
tugging at my trueness
….they know it’s their highest praise
just to be.”

oh yeah.
i tend to forget.

~deep grateful breath
that even tho’ I’m gimpy and undone and one raw mess,
it’s still plenty enough
just to be.

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Peace to you,  friend,  in all of your being.

“It’s the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left,
when you are empty and desperate and have discovered
that your best thinking and most charming charm
have failed you.
Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze
that takes you from that isolated place
and puts you where others are as startled and embarrassed
and eventually grateful as you are to be there.”

-Anne Lammott

break-of-day dancing….

It’s been bliss to make nice again
with early mornings,
to raise my hands into still dark sky
and wiggle free,
unloading heavy things
into hands so warm and open and available
they tug the sun up through the woods
while the birds prattle joy
and candles burn slow,
flickering pear and patchoulli
and I take it in hungry
and my body knows the smile of Love
hugging me close
and grinning at my freedom
with knowing nod
….getting me
and eyes dancing welcome,
anyway.

It’s good to be welcome,
embraced by day,
and there is somewhere for the anger to go,
angry about  those horses harmed
and that mom spitting meanness at her boy
and all the hurtful wrong schmeared on thick and painful

and when I need to lay my mind down
on something soft and tender-strong
and remember the shepherd thing
and take in faithfulness wrapped in skin
and hear “yeah,  it’s bad,  but I’ve got this”,
even when my stomach screams hard
for justice and change,
and my  hands burn to throw rocks
at everything cruel,
to stone it until the rage drains off
and my heart goes all peaceable again,

I can dance on it,
paint and sing and shout and say it out
in stuff You take as prayer
so I’m making friends again
with mornings early
and for this tired heart of mine
it’s. pure. bliss.