getting gritty……

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Can I tell you why I’m here each day this month?

A cluster of white clouds scroll across an uncanny blue sky
as I lay still,  skywatching,   for a brief brush of bliss.
It’s a rare slice of glory,  these lay-me-down moments;
I’ve been working hard this month to rest and heal the tired of me.

For many months I’ve wanted badly to lay some of my work down,
feeling so deep the need to re-set to rest,  body and soul.
But I’m in debt.
The kind that doesn’t feel fair,
and I’m in because of a million reasons
that are both good and clumsy

I finished July tight with ache  needing to grieve it out,
feeling a bit as if I was dangling, white knuckled, over despair.
So tired.
I’ve worked hard to live simple and want even harder to let the writer in me lead,
to earn a living making art that doesn’t need pruning or get yellow jacket nests
or disappear if it gets too dry or too wet.
But this business that  I love and hate with it’s hard work,  and lots of it,
seems a necessary dailyness in my life right now until I can see another,  truer way.
(Thank God for tomorrows).

So August loomed before me threatening…..the heat, humidity, hormones,
my resentment, my fatigue,  my big gaping need
….it felt like it would roll me.
What could I lay down?
One night as I wrestled and tossed and tagged heaven in,
the idea flashed by my mind like a deer darting past my window
“…..just do a little more,  instead”

“Dive down deep and write it out  daily and post to keep accountable.
The goal is rest and I’m a mess…..what if I write more,  not less.
Go exploring to find the truth of how I got here,
lose the blame and actually learn something.
You know,  get some forgiveness done,  some healing,  some help,
figure out how to thrive in even this.
Cause even though I’m feeling chained,  we carry our freedom inside ourselves
and that’s where I’m exhausted,  so go there.”

August has been work harder and more and also
show up to this slow,  awkward,  painful act of liberation
and put it out there for someone else to read
so I can’t hide in self pity and excuses
and you know what?

I feel rest.

Even though I’ve not vacationed and the work remains the same,
I’ve a lighter heart than I’ve ever known
and seeing more clearly what I’d been sleeping through before
And it’s sweet thick grace to not live helpless and exhausted and mad
and to grow from mistakes and maybe share some wisdom in the falling forward.

…..your comments and messages have been light and breath to me.
I’ve loved it,  each time you come around:)

“debt,  n.  An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.”  -Ambrose Bierce

“A man in debt is so far a slave.”  –  Ralph Waldo Emerson

tumbling free…..

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Somewhere inside is a brave girl child
who got churched too hard and knocked loose from herself
and when the pieces rattled and ached with need
she tucked away the noisy parts
to quiet down the clatter and not draw attention.

She wanted so strong to please the dazzling God
of leaf and sky and sea
but forgot what her heart already knew,
taking on lies like a boat sinking fast
in the drama of “do good and make nice”
and holding her wildness inside.

Until hungry days delivered her back
to the wild shores of her trueness,
each healing tide washing up bits of her self discarded long ago,
and the Love who never left her sent each sparkling wave and smiled
as she tumbled free of the helpless madness
back home to herself.

Some of what she’d forgotten to remember
looks like this:

“Self care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says
I’m responsible for myself.   I am responsible for leading or not living my life.
I’m responsible for tending my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well-being.
I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs.
I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with the ones I can’t solve.
I am responsible for my choices.
I am responsible for what I give and what I receive.
I am responsible for how much I enjoy life,  for how much pleasure I find in daily activities.
I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love.
I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me.
I am responsible for my wants and desires.
All of me,  every aspect of my being,  is important.
I count for something.    I matter.”

-Melody Beattie

How beautiful is that:)
Thanks for coming by if you’ve been following along.
I know every day is a lot….it’s just for this August,  I think.
It’s resting me deep in some funky way.

Anyway,  I just learned that my edits don’t show up
on the e-mail subscription that arrives to some of you.
Ugh…….I usually edit quite a bit after I hit “publish” the first time.
I’ll try not to do that anymore…..do my tweaking before it gets to you.
Little learning curve for me…..sorry:)