A strong and blameless place…..

Hello fresh beginnings.
I so welcome, you.
I’ve been away from my blog and am grateful for a shiny new jumping-back-in place.
I’d felt swept away end-of-year,  caught up in a fast tide rising,
and miffed about the undertow that grabbed me away.
Truth:  it wasn’t the undertow that shut me down
but the fear that I couldn’t create my best stuff to contribute in the soup.
Couldn’t get my words out meaningful enough or make my art artful enough.
Or my camera couldn’t find light enough to see the stories like I wanted to tell them.
I’d be found out if I said the awful stuff rolling around in my head.
and wanted instead some soulful beauty to share.

Wasn’t this this bitter version of myself best quieted away until I could sort my crazy out?
No and yes and all the maybes.

Short and oversimplified:  I was terribly mad.  At my partner.
And scared of the financial chaos I felt trapped in
-it felt like a funhouse with moving floors and smoke and mirrors and scary clowns
I’d fallen down hard too many times and couldn’t find the door.
I just wanted to see clear and feel safe
and didn’t know how to take care of myself and also love the ones I love.
And mad at myself for not being smarter and smoother about it all.

In the rumble of truth-seeking and help-finding I discovered a something
that will ride along shotgun as I travel this year.
I can be a blamer.
A hardcore,  deep in my DNA blamer.
It’s how I learned to protect myself from shame.
I’m a pro at shifting it fast so I can quickly understand and feel some safe ground.
Even when I don’t understand at all.
Just that thin illusion of control.

We all live with our narratives.
Some of my mine were soaked in blame.
And what I’ve learned is that,
when we reach for blame,
confusion and chaos move in and set up camp.
(thank you most excellent marriage counselor)

I want to love more and blame less.
To take responsibility for my own stuff and stand my sacred ground.
To thrive in my marriage and in my relationship with myself.
The little word that grinned back at me this year feels like strength to my heart,
a good walking stick for the climb.

I’ll come back and unpack more later:
just sharing now the word:  blameless

Love to you and your journey this year,
and peace with every step,  even when the way seems blurry.
There is a way.
May your exquisite heart be light.

“When you cease to exist,  then who will you blame?”
– Bob Dylan

“May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.”
– Ranier Maria Rilke

truth in the tremble…..

blog wintergarten
Stuff is just exactly
as broken
and shaky
and gimpy
as it is,
but hardly hopeless,
oddly beautiful even,
in the coming undone

so I’m gonna re-think the tremble
and not crumple up small
and slide down under
the coming up short,
trying to fix the wobble
and make it seem smooth
so the flaws don’t show;

bloggy thing

’cause even though it may stop the squeak and shudder
when I flatten out low,
I wasn’t born to be the wedge
beneath these shaky table legs
so maybe we’ve got something here
that isn’t quite real.

Let's find another,  truer way
because I don't want to spend another day
 feeling homesick
 for me.
blog ice
(serving this up again because I've had our voices on my heart)
"...the issue of 'stay small, sweet, quiet and modest' sounds
like an outdated problem,  but the truth is that women
still run into those demands whenever
we find and use our voices."
-Brene' Brown


of monsters and mercy and me….

I’ve dreamed it since I was young,  this recurring fright:
I’m at the beach with my family when suddenly I’m standing on bare sand
that is sloping madly toward the sea
and a monstrous black wave is towering over me….towering…..and I’ve no time,  not a second,  to run.
And I don’t know how I got there….the waves were lovely and friendly
when suddenly a dark dinosaur of water is curling menacing overhead

Wherever I am is suddenly freakishly not a safe place to be and my mind reels….how did I get here?
I think, to survive,  I should’ve dived through the wave into sanctuary but it’s come on too fast,  too  big
and I’m standing exposed on bare sand.

If I’m in the cottage,  the nightmare wave smashes over the roof while I watch through the windows,
horrified,  as the dark of the deep envelops us and I fear the house will splinter.

I always wake up shaken before the wave touches me
…..never  taste it’s salt or feel it’s sweeping power crush me.

I’ve wondered most my life what it means,  if anything,  this dream.

Last week I walked along the shore,  my feet knee deep in rushing tide and it settled sweet to spirit,   what a water girl I am,
how I always feel the me-est when I’m weightless in the waves,  floating free,
wallowing in the lift of  salt and  sea.
I watched the dark waves rolling in and suddenly,  as if splashed,  I know the wave that’s haunted me.
It’s name is “false” and it threatens
when I get washed up high and dry from the truth of me,
jostled and churned until I’m beached
like a fish out of water….. with false responsibility
but I can stop and wake up and shake myself free

Because the false never takes me,  never crushes out my life,
there’s mercy more and  always enough  to wake me up to the light,
to  tweak my course and find my bearings and go back to simply be,
otter-ly real and true to me.

“To thine own self be true.
A grounding statement for those who get caught up in the storm of the needs and feelings of others.

 Sometimes,  the demands of other people and our confused expectations of ourselves
-the messages about our responsibilities toward others – can create a tremendous, complicated mess.
We can even convince ourselves that people-pleasing,  going against our nature and not being honest,
is the kind thing to do!
Not true.  Simplify.  Back to basics….what do we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Let go of the confusion.  By honoring and respecting ourselves,  we will be true to those around us,

even if we displease them momentarily.
To thine own self be true.
Simple words describing a powerful task that can put us back on track.”
-Melody Beattie

Thanks for wading through that l-o-n-g dream-speak with me;
I love posting shorts and am heading back that way now,
just needed to let that say itself.
Peace….so much peace in it’s wake.