The layers and the light…..

My process begins with a heartpour
my own unscripted words dumped raw onto clean, blank page.
A turn-the-purse-upside-down-and-send-the-contents-dumping.
It’s never pretty.  Never polished.  And can be a little wrenching.
I write the unsayable things – the stuff of which Anne Lamott wrote,
“my thoughts were such that would make Jesus want to drink gin out of the cat dish.”
The hard,  the embarrassing, the boring and the ugly.
It’s the bottom down under and it’s gotta go somewhere.
I give them space and let those thoughts breathe the light.
Unjudged and unashamed (wriggle, wriggle, squirm)

Then I drop down to that place in my belly where the river stirs
and let myself dip – falling,  falling – into those wild and uncertain waters
like a stone thrown into the deep
and I coach my hands start playing.
Just go all playful – letting loose to dance with Creation
until I’m carried along in the current while my childlike arting begins
to let the ripples speak.

I never sit down to make art.  Ever.  I go at it like a playful explore
and I don’t try to get anything right.

There is no right or wrong or off or don’t-go.
Some things I like – especially when they come like surprising packages
that feel like a note passed from Love to or through me.
That stuff makes my heart squeeze happy beats and the living feel like hope.
But I don’t work hard to make pretty or good – the work instead is in the showing up,
the carving out space and time and giving it that chunky slice of my living.
Letting the messy process be
and going soft to the uncertainty.
I may have nothing to show for this.

But oh that messy down under is raw and sometimes daunting.
Life and days and relationships and situations and seasons – they all have bottom layers.
I’m learning to fear them less – to hold a spacious yes for them –
as I dance this messy dance with un-hiding the things.
To growing my love for the layers and the light.

As I grow in love for this process I also grow in love for this life-living we get to do.
It’s amazing what a blank white page can call up and out in us,  especially when we know that
we won’t leave it naked and unloved – that we’ll be back to tend the wounds and notice the beauty
and listen in to hear the healing things.

“I can shake off everything as I write;  my sorrows disappear,
my courage is reborn.”
– Anne Frank

thick with wild hope…

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My lap is full of January,
these simple bells,  one for each day,
my heart poured out in bits of art
that keep the stories stirred
and speaking.

I don’t want to forget these riffs,
the horse and rider and rushing water,
blackbirds and hawk and torn feathers beside her,
another year marked with a yes and a go,
crossing the bridge and whistling loudly hope,
of freebird and primroses and stepping into the flow
and open wide and yield inside
down where the soaring grows.

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And I’m feeling new spaces
in even old places,
done with grieving things done and gone,
and I’m letting new eyes
open me wide,
fresh born hope lighting me up inside,
forgiveness  lifting off the weight of hard time
till even my air is going softer,
amazed at the grace,
grinning and breathing
and whispering thanks.

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January has been intense,
a whole lot of living for just one month
and I’m feeling the wild hope
I dreamed of as a child;
when the words find me
I’ll wrap them up and share
because you’re on my mind always
with an always kind of love.

“When hope is not pinned wriggling onto a shiny image
or expectation,
it sometimes floats forth
and opens.”
-Anne Lamott

(and,  hey,  I disappeared from google reader for several weeks.
I believe I’m back,  restored,
but I think maybe you’ll have to sign up again.
oh bother,  I know.
If you see me there,  will you let me know?)