The last dregs of June were oppressive with
menacing heat and rain forest stickiness…the
thick humidity causing the gardens I tend to
bolt, clamoring for haircuts all at once. Overly
busy, I began baking as I worked to tame the
overgrowth.
And wilting….my chest feeling tight like my heart
was curling up at the edges. Several times it got
too hot inside my head and I panicked….feeling
trapped and unable to find shelter fast or cool
enough. I longed for breezes to stir the stillness
…to dab at the sweat stinging my eyes.
My vision went wobbly with discouragement like a pond turning a sickly shade of green.
Everything seemed too big, too much, too hard. I needed shade bigger than the trees could make. One afternoon, worn down and drooping like a thirsty plant, my heart oozed out these painful words to God: “what kind of shepherd ARE you?” (Oh yes I did, and out loud too.)
There it was. The accusation my mind had avoided for years….like a shamefaced child fearful of looking up into disapproving eyes, darting away, head low and eyes down . In my foggy fatigue, I ran right into it like a stone wall. And in THAT place….in that no-go zone in my heart…I expected to encounter harsh indifference. Instead, what I received was responsiveness I still can’t find words to describe.
I was drawn into shade I sensed bubbling from deeper waters than I’ve ever experienced before. While the sun beat down, a peaceful calm settled over me….unlike the heat hanging above the ground but just as tangible. I was embraced by love….heaven soaking strands of emotional DNA and tangled perceptions until I felt bathed in cooling light.
My own judgments and opinions had been…well…. off. By miles. I stumbled into wonder and asked the question…..really asked it….instead of simmering in my assumptions. And in response, I was loved. And comforted. Like aloe to my blistered perspective, I was given shelter. Welcome, July….I’ve never felt less alone.
Seven years ago we moved to a large city several hours further away from my beloved North Carolina coastline. With busy teenagers, a fledgling business and financial struggles, my once happily close relationship with the beach suffered neglect. A space in my heart was reserved for it’s powerful beauty; missing the ocean became a daily sigh. My longing to spend hours in the surf….letting it coach me into it’s rhythms…went unfilled like a rain gauge during drought.
Springtime pulled and pounded until I was broken down and hungry for rest with no way to feed it. But I can see the summery twinkle lights at the end of this sweltering tunnel and laugh out loud because it’s time to play again….to take a dive from my heavy schedule and let my creativity go offroad to wander freely in open pastures.
Strong winds are turning up the undersides of the leaves in my life; I can smell the coming storm. I’m learning to love the delicious danger
Yesterday I released my daughter
with all of my quivery heart to fly far
and free…..and away.
Months of preparation rolled onto the shore, breaking and soaking me to the soul. The goodbyes and leaving rained down hard like a downpour. As I write this, she is traveling across country to set up her home on a new coastline. I feel the turning of pages….the closing of a chapter….with every fluttery wobble of my heart.
Putting down the chocolate, I’ve decided to embrace the season….tasting every part and letting the juice dribble down my chin and stain me with it’s ripe, sweet sadness.
I don’t want to numb this…..opening instead to every drop of grace that comes only when you stand in the rain. Not gonna rush this pain; I won’t risk missing the face of God in the breaking.
(Well, okay…..maybe just a little chocolate, too.)
