Love’s labour and loss…

I love you

 Love……I wish I did it better.
I mean with the nearest and dearest people,
this love that can get stuck behind the stammer
…the strangled,
snagged
and silenced places
when I’ve so much to say and show.
This love that sometimes went tongue-tied
or distracted
or disabled
with the ones that mean the most.
 I wish I had a do-over
 …one more shot
at loving my kids
when they were little.
(I’m not wrecked with mom-guilt.
I gave the best I had to give
and I’ve forgiven myself the rest.
But I can’t have those years back
to regroup and refill their little tanks.)
How did I  love someone more than air
and still cave in to social and religious pressure
to build appearances
instead of soft places to practice and make mistakes?
my fear.
~ it  robbed my kids of so much tender mother-love
And now,  they’ve gone and grown up,
becoming wonderful humans
…amazing, brilliant, beautiful beings
without my celebrating their ebullience
when their hearts could watch
and feel the wind from my twirling over them.
I grinned my quiet grins from a distance
but didn’t smile out loud
right into their hungry eyes.
You see,  now I believe in making blunders.
I believe in ebullience.
I believe in losing the fear
that grows like kudsu
in-the-overly-cautious-trying-too-hard-to-be-good.
If I had another go,
I’d spend those moments telling them so,
SHOWING them so
with every focused nod of my heart
And when they goofed
I’d scoop them into forgiving arms,
every word soft with mercy,
every glance gentle with comfort,
moving toward them with acceptance.
Have no regrets, you say.
Oh yes,
  I have them in spades.
I have kids who deserved so much more
from the mother I was.
And I feel it.
And it’s real.
The mother I am today
is more adept at letting myself be loved
and losing the fear
that mucked up
the garden
I planted
for my
lovies.
It’s a safer, sweeter garden now.
Restoration rains there often
and waters undeveloped affection
so that souls do feel
the loveshine
pouring down.
Yes, it’s a healthy place now~and I’m grateful.
And sad.
that my kids smallest feet never got to play in this soft grass
or rest under these bright skies
or breathe in these moist breezes
and for just this moment
I let it be
what it is.
~loss.
Thanks for letting me share.
(I built my etsy store and was so eager to show you,
to pretty up this place with sunny photos down my sidebar.
But my blog template doesn’t like the javascript that
sent them on their merry way
and so rejected them firmly.
Sigh.
If you like, pop over tohttp://www.etsy.com/shop/ripplespeak
and have a gander.)

Love's labour and loss…

I love you

 Love……I wish I did it better.
I mean with the nearest and dearest people,
this love that can get stuck behind the stammer
…the strangled,
snagged
and silenced places
when I’ve so much to say and show.
This love that sometimes went tongue-tied
or distracted
or disabled
with the ones that mean the most.
 I wish I had a do-over
 …one more shot
at loving my kids
when they were little.
(I’m not wrecked with mom-guilt.
I gave the best I had to give
and I’ve forgiven myself the rest.
But I can’t have those years back
to regroup and refill their little tanks.)
How did I  love someone more than air
and still cave in to social and religious pressure
to build appearances
instead of soft places to practice and make mistakes?
my fear.
~ it  robbed my kids of so much tender mother-love
And now,  they’ve gone and grown up,
becoming wonderful humans
…amazing, brilliant, beautiful beings
without my celebrating their ebullience
when their hearts could watch
and feel the wind from my twirling over them.
I grinned my quiet grins from a distance
but didn’t smile out loud
right into their hungry eyes.
You see,  now I believe in making blunders.
I believe in ebullience.
I believe in losing the fear
that grows like kudsu
in-the-overly-cautious-trying-too-hard-to-be-good.
If I had another go,
I’d spend those moments telling them so,
SHOWING them so
with every focused nod of my heart
And when they goofed
I’d scoop them into forgiving arms,
every word soft with mercy,
every glance gentle with comfort,
moving toward them with acceptance.
Have no regrets, you say.
Oh yes,
  I have them in spades.
I have kids who deserved so much more
from the mother I was.
And I feel it.
And it’s real.
The mother I am today
is more adept at letting myself be loved
and losing the fear
that mucked up
the garden
I planted
for my
lovies.
It’s a safer, sweeter garden now.
Restoration rains there often
and waters undeveloped affection
so that souls do feel
the loveshine
pouring down.
Yes, it’s a healthy place now~and I’m grateful.
And sad.
that my kids smallest feet never got to play in this soft grass
or rest under these bright skies
or breathe in these moist breezes
and for just this moment
I let it be
what it is.
~loss.
Thanks for letting me share.
(I built my etsy store and was so eager to show you,
to pretty up this place with sunny photos down my sidebar.
But my blog template doesn’t like the javascript that
sent them on their merry way
and so rejected them firmly.
Sigh.
If you like, pop over tohttp://www.etsy.com/shop/ripplespeak
and have a gander.)