Thank you note to where I am now……

Dear where and how I am just exactly now,
(dear reality)

I want to welcome you.
And apologize for the cold shoulder I’ve turned
instead of the warm embrace
that I offer now.
Honestly I’ve been scared to accept you
because you’re a really uncomfortable place for me
and it’s habit to dodge and resist something
that feels as dangerous as you seem.
I want deadlines and answers and,
honestly, I feel pretty homesick for the whole idea of “safe.”
Even if it always was an illusion,
the concept felt comforting and,  well,
you don’t.

I wasn’t able to have this conversation with you earlier
because I sort of froze up,
hunkered down from the fears and flares that keep flushing up sudden
like pheasants exploding from a field.
You’ve rattled me,  and I thought if I waited you out a little longer
you’d go back to wherever you came from and
then I’d cozy my mind into taking a breather
from the hornet’s nest of dread
that feels sometimes suspended from the dark corner of my imagination.

But here we are instead and clearly you’re here
until you aren’t.
And I haven’t even thanked you for coming
because, honestly,  I’ve resented the intrusion.
But I’ve been watching and listening and have to admit
that there is something beautiful about what’s happening here.

Like an awkward yoga pose
that holds and holds until I’m shaking and tottering;
there’s just no way to be smooth about you.
The fact that I’m feeling even more uncool than ever,
more uncertain,  more vulnerable,
is something I accept.
But here you are still,  and there’s something that I love
about how you’re pressing on my entitlement issues
until I have to feel them angry rising.

I never wanted or asked for this,
never was cavalier about the virus,
yet here I am.
Why can this land for me as somehow not right?
Why do I feel that maybe I should get a different road?
One that lets me feel large and in charge,  or at least safe.
What if here and now,  exactly as it is,  is happening
for me.
( not that some puppet master is playing me to build character or teach a lesson
– I don’t believe that –  but this storm may be raising the water levels
in some rivers that my soul will thrill to see).

Maybe I can learn to un-freeze
even in this,
to find the beauty in the breaking.
To shake off the fear (as many times as it takes)
and live wholehearted whatever cards this deck serves up.
Death comes to us all,
but I don’t want to turn my life in
more than once.
So I’m thinkin’ maybe stop un-living some of these hours,
especially since the glass is getting heavier on the bottom
every single day.

I want to meet this moment fully.
“May I meet it as a friend.”

“The moment in which the mind acknowledges,
‘this isn’t what I wanted but it’s what I got,’
is the point at which suffering disappears.
Sadness might remain present but the mind is free
to console,  free to support the mind’s acceptance of the situation,
free to allow space for new possibilities to come into view.”

– Sylvia Boorstein

Thanks for having a listen;  I appreciate the gift of your witness.
Just to clarify (writing words down = always the risk of misunderstanding):
I’m navigating the challenge of living fully and unafraid in fearful situations and times.
Not suggesting anyone ignore risks.
(I’m masking.  And distancing.  That’s not even on the table.)

Comments

  1. I wish. How I wish.
    For you and for me. And indeed for the world…

    • Yes, I feel those wishes well.
      Sending warm hugs across the miles,
      and hope. Hope strong and willowy:)
      -Jennifer

  2. Dear Jennifer, I’m so sorry that you got trapped in the web of covid. Covid is so unfair and has disrupted the whole world. Things will never be the same again since evil has been unleashed without a license. There have been attacks on every level of society and beautiful people are getting hurt every day.

    I’m wishing you a full recovery, health, peace, courage, and joy in the days ahead. I’m wishing Covid away through prayers.

    Thinking of you. Hugs
    Julia

    • Thanks so much for those prayers – many for your health and joy, also:)
      Big hugs to you and yours in Canada,
      Jennifer

  3. Holding you in the healing light of love with gratitude for your honesty and courage.

  4. May blooms continue to open around you, may petals unfold velvet soft, color pure, & miraculous. May your days too, have a measure of the soft, the pure, & the miraculous. Sending you every hope for miracles and comfort.

    • Thanks for such a beautiful blessing, Lisa.
      Arms open wide:)
      Big joy to you also, with big hugs,
      Jennifer

  5. You say it so perfectly — as always — Jennifer. So far, I’ve been lucky, but there’s still that dread. And fear. I fight them both every day. I hope you can avoid the recurrences again and that you have the health and more carefree life you deserve. I hope that for all of us. I feel pretty homesick for the idea of safe, too.

    • I understand!
      Every single day.
      I hope that for all of us, too – that we build a new normal that honors and invests in every life wholehearted.
      Big hugs across the miles,
      Jennifer

  6. Emily Smith says

    What a beautiful post, Jennifer. I hate that you contracted COVID and apparently the “long” form, which brings such undeserved suffering. Couldn’t have happened to a kinder, more beautiful person. Just goes to show that there is no morality in whom this virus chooses. I wish you healing and peace!

    • Thanks so much for your kind encouragement, Emily.
      Sorry for the late reply; seems my plate is more slippery these days:/
      I’m so grateful for every drop of goodness that comes.
      Love and shelter,
      Jennifer

  7. I’m behind (as usual) but wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers, for peace and healing. Have you read the book “Unstoppable”? I’ve just started it on Audible. This made me think of it. Big hugs!

    • Boy have I been a bad blogger – sorry for the delay in reply:/
      Seems my plate is so much more slippery these days.
      No, haven’t read. Thanks for the tip!
      I really appreciate:)
      Love and shelter,
      Jennifer

  8. Cathy Davis says

    We are here praying for you and hoping the light at then end of the tunnel will come soon!!
    Love to you both and a (((((BIG HUG))))) too!!

    • Hey Cathy:) So much more light these days, thank you.
      Feeling way better for many more days at a time.
      I appreciate those prayers and, you:)
      Always I appreciate you:)
      -Jennifer

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