And still the moving things….

I’ve been moving through some changes and it’s been a gnarly sort of stretch
but also beautiful and grow-y.
Always the paradox – the God-breath and the grit.
So, still from the soup, I want to share some of the stuff that’s been moving me:

~  all of the extra oxygen in my lungs (!)
I took the shot.  The one I’ve shied away from for several years because too many risks.
But then the risk of un-living my life seemed to loom larger so I dove in
and did the risky deed the doctors recommended
and I can breathe all the way down
to the bottom of my lungs.
This feels crazy big and I’m sometimes giddy with air.

~ the way the early evening quiets the heat
the dusk gentles the sun,
and how the river sings my dry places soft again.

~  the courage that’s somehow finding me to be transparent in shamestorms,
to stand sometimes unmasked until my fear gets tired of fearing
and love gets to find me like that
and heal some of my unloved places.
The whole getting better at not hiding thing.

~ for the fields of yellow where horses graze with the foal
who trots along playful like a dolphin born into a buttercup sea.

~ for the mishmash of music making my summering sing,
including Willy Nelson Sings Gershwin,
and Lauren Daigle’s Look Up Child.

~ for how I’m learning to live in a rest that can weary what wants to drive me,
can just demoralize it because the joy I keep tapping won’t lose it’s fizz.
that I can cry angry,  heart-broken tears and still trust the Love that’s holding me
and plant myself peaceful in this place.
How this is stronger than the certainty I crave.

~ for the high places and skies that ride these ridges
where I can listen to the wind words.

~ the way life is giving me soft moments with my mother
that I didn’t know I needed until I find the girl of me running hard to plant her flowers
and bring her beauty and make her eggs wet and find the words
that have fluttered far from reach before this tender time when we’re both bent low
so that maybe we can see each other’s faces true.

~ the compassion of friends who see my gimpy places and smile the same smiles
that warm me when I’m strong.

~ the first ripe veggies of Summer,  elderberry syrup in my tea,
and all the brave moves that let us be fresh berries splashed with cream
and served up sweet instead of growing mold in the back of the fridge.

“You are not too old,
and it is not too late
to dive into your increasing depths
where life calmly gives out
it’s own secret.”
– Rilke

Thanks for your patience with my heavy Springtime ways.
It’s coming on Summertime and the living is easier
now that the planting is mostly done.

Comments

  1. Heartfelt hugs and thanks for the sometimes painful beauty you share.
    Today and always.

    • jennifer says

      Thanks for loving with me both the painful and the sweet. Always the both.
      You are dear.
      – Jennifer

  2. Dear Jennifer, I’m so glad that you do not shy away from living a life that is waiting for you. Good for you for making that brave move and for having the courage to take the risk of diving in the deep to live your to the fullest, even when it’s scary.
    Enjoy the fruits of your labor and have a great summer.

    Hugs, Julia

    • jennifer says

      Thanks for your always kind encouragement, Julia:)
      And much love to you in your Summering:)
      – Jennifer

  3. Oops, it should read “to live your life to the fullest”
    Julia

  4. Oh, Jennifer, this is indeed lovely and I’m glad you are taking your risks. I’m curious about the shot — does it have something to do with breathing? This is probably something I should know about. And I treasure that you have time with your mum. I so miss that but never once regretted the times I had during her last days.

    • jennifer says

      Yes – Nucala. For asthma. I’d been avoiding it for years in spite of repeated assurances that I needed to take it.
      Every doctor’s visit. It’s gotten me off of prednisone for the first time in years! Grateful and willing to do the
      unpleasant side effects in order to have an abundance of good air:) I love oxygen:)
      Yes, I’m savoring every day we have her and grateful for her presence in my life and in this world.
      Thanks and coming over to see you soon,
      Jennifer

  5. Hi Jennifer, I’m stopping by to say hello after a time away, and to soak in your beautiful thoughts. Sending hugs to you.

    • jennifer says

      Hi Judy! Good to hear from you – I’m going to come visiting this week so
      I’ll be around to your blog again soon:) I’ve been really bad at keeping up
      with other bloggers that I love. It’s been a season.
      Happy Summertiming,
      Jennifer

  6. I hope you continue to feel better and to breathe easier Jennifer. When I was little, my great grama always said, “when you have your health, you have everything”. I now understand what she meant💙🙏🏻

    • jennifer says

      So much better, Kathy, thank you:)
      It’s a beautiful thing to breathe all the way down
      to the bottom of your lungs!
      Love from the bottom of my being,
      Jennifer

  7. Happy Summer, sweet friend … always so inspired after having a chance to soak in your words and images, you have a beautiful way of making life feel softer and truer.
    I’m so proud of you for taking care of your health and well being and to know that you continue to grow and love and be.
    xoxo

  8. Lucille Christie says

    Did you get my email ?
    Re: operations
    ICU
    Miracle I’m alive
    Needed prayer and still do for what’s ahead

  9. Barbara Shallue says

    I’m behind on my blog-reading (and writing!) but it’s always a joy to come here and read your beautiful, bold, honest words that make me see and feel so much. Prayers for you in your challenges. Thanks for the mention of “Look Up Child” – now it’s running in the background of my day, and that’s a good thing.

  10. Popping in after too long of a time away….away dealing with my mom and the farm in Virginia, but things are moving along and now a little bit of normalcy for a few weeks anyway. Always love your words…thanks for being YOU. And wonderful on the breathing improvement! Health is everything! xo

  11. What a beautiful respite from everything everyday. Thank you for bringing me there…..x

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