On coming to the edge…..

Dear where-I-am-now,
Selling our home and leaving the city to move to these wild mountains
has felt like a crazy-big leap to this wide-eyed heart of mine
and I find myself both smitten and on edge.
Even as we felt led to this place,  it still feels like I’ve wandered into a secret garden
and if I only whisper above a hush I might jiggle loose the dream
and wake it all up.

But my brain hollers down that this is real,  even as your dark ridges seem to sing their stories
into shades that paint the only sky I’ve known into a brave new world of color
and I must yield my fascination to what my senses find both thrilling and threatening.
You hold me already inspired and in awe and I’m pretty sure I love you .
So here is what I need my heart to hear –
please listen hard, dear heart,  and hear this well.

I’m not here to perform….not for anyone at all.
I don’t need to impress and should that somehow happen,
I don’t want to let it – or even the possibility of it – put pressure on me.
I won’t carry the burden of hoping to win you.
I want to be completely and peacefully me.

I don’t have a neat answer for why I’m here so it’s hard to say;
this is something I may be discovering for a while.
I’ll be building something….. making my art and telling my stories and living out loud
this one life I’ve been given
but I won’t be taking the time or energy to compare myself
to your amazing people,  even though I’m falling for you.
I believe I belong but can’t promise I’ll fit
and I’ll choose to be okay with that
every time I feel the squeeze.

I’ve gotta do me,
however that goes and wherever it takes or leaves me.
I want to show up to uncertainty with some pluck
and make bountiful mistakes
and wink at the unknown.
To make love to my life without neat, hard lines,
without filing things down to seem familiar.
I aim to meet you always with a barefoot heart,
unguarded and grinning of grace.
To meet you as simply me as I can be.

Oh please let this next chapter find me true.

“People think chutzpah is in the genes.
It isn’t …..it’s in the needing and wanting and being willing to fall on your face.
It isn’t fun…who wants all that rejection,
but life is sweeter if you make yourself do uncomfortable things.”
– Helen Gurley Brown

“Come to the edge,”  he said.
“We can’t!  We’re afraid!”  they responded.
“Come to the edge,”  he said.
“We can’t!  We will fall!”  they responded.
“Come to the edge,”  he said.
So they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.”
– Guillaume Apollinaire

I’ve been in the thick of an edgy move and am ready to make my words again
For a short while I’ve been rendered speechless:)
Thank you for coming back again.
I’ve missed you and value you so.

Comments

  1. I love the poem come to the edge…it’s so true…I have spent way too much time afraid of the edge and the fact I might not fly but as I get older I get braver and the edge seems less intimating……
    You have spoke to my heart in this post and I do hope this move is all that you want it to be and more. Fly sweet girl, you are way more than enough without comparison to anyone. You are an original and we can all learn from your courage….

    • jennifer says

      Me too, Nanci, and I’m growing to love the edge more each year also.
      Thanks for coming out here with me; it’s sweeter to feel someone along:)
      -Jennifer

  2. Beautiful, hopeful, scary and inspirational.
    ‘I believe I belong but can’t promise I’ll fit
    and I’ll choose to be okay with that ‘sings loudest to me.

    • jennifer says

      Thanks for coming back over and letting me sing for you, Sue:)
      I appreciate the community you build and bring.
      -Jennifer

  3. I’m excited for this new chapter in your life. And for your commitment to be you, do you, love you. There is something about the mountains that is incredibly spiritual, I think. We’re “up there.” When we visit Rick’s dad near Banner Elk, he’s on Sugar Mountain and just ascending it sort of fills a person with awe. And it’s so quiet. You can hear nature. You bring a lot to the table, my friend. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone. Happy for you.

    • jennifer says

      Thanks for your kind words and generous heart, Jeanie. Yes, there is something about the “up here” that moves me.
      Nature and the quiet seems turned up loud. And in high def:) I appreciate your excitement and carry that hope inside.
      Much thanks,
      Jennifer

  4. I’m so happy for you Jennifer and the new beginning. I hope it’s exciting and fresh to put new roots in another place. The mountains hold many delights.You are brave and beautiful and you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone because your Potter has made you especially unique and that was good enough for Him and it’s good enough for me.
    Hugs dear friend. Be well and enjoy the new place.
    Julia

    • jennifer says

      “Your Potter has made you especially unique”…..those words made my heart dance, Julia.
      And dance and dance and dance:) I won’t forget them; so much thanks.
      I appreciate the kind balm and send back the same,
      Jennifer

  5. May the wild mountains help you find all that’s true to your heart. Have fun discovering all the gems and treasures that have been waiting for you. Blessings to you in this new chapter of your life. I’m truly excited for you. <3

    • jennifer says

      Yes, yes to all that’s true to my heart:) I do believe there is treasure
      hidden for me here and that it’s mine for the exploring and finding….thank you for those words!
      I receive that blessing and appreciate your share so very, very much. Much thanks, Suzanne:)
      -Jennifer

  6. Years ago (1995) we moved to a new place. A few years later, we moved to our 5 acres (and about 100 that belonged to other people who never visited) – a splash of country that felt alien and scary to me, coming from my solid, well-known suburban upbringing. Now I love this place and it’s surprises, although others have discovered it and our wild place has shrunk back down to the 5 acres and dirt road. But I’ll hang on to it as long as I can. i know you’re going to embrace this newness and love it.

    • jennifer says

      Alien is a good word for this. And, yes, scary. But also beautiful and wonder-full and awe-inspiring.
      So, yes, I’m embracing the stretchy newness and determined to let it love me back:)
      I appreciate your encouragement much:)
      -Jennifer

  7. It sure seems like you have found a very special place for yourself and himself to settle in and explore and be happy … please continue to share your words and images, thoughts and dreams.
    “If you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much room.”
    xo

    • It’s so very special, yes. I love it so already. Struggle always for me
      is will it love me back. New seasons and places drag up my insecurities so hard!
      Always feel like a deer in the headlights when anxiety jerks me around. Life is odd:)
      Grateful for the opportunity to lose another layer of unnecessary weight around my heart.
      Thanks for your kind visit…..always I appreciate:)
      -jennifer

  8. Wow! There is one thing that stood
    Out to me and was when you said
    Make love to your life ! That touched the recesses of my soul as I’m in the edge right now but wanting to fall off
    Lord please give me the grace to make love
    To the place where I find myself in and
    Not waste the time wondering how I got
    Here but make love to my life and your breath in me and not waste another
    Moment
    I must turn the page no matter where
    That leads me
    Thanks for your inspiration to go on and Lise it to make love to it
    Shalom
    Lucille

    • Hi Lucille:)
      I look forward to speaking with you soon; it’s been a busy time and I seem to be taking my own sweet time
      about getting about the business of reconnecting and responding. I’m in such a strange and new place, both
      in my surroundings and inside myself. I won’t say that it’s hard because it’s just different. But I’m just
      not “back” yet. And don’t know what that will look like in the future anyway. It’s all very curious.
      Thanks for sharing so brave. I appreciate and hold it dear to heart.
      Love and light and lift to dear you,
      Jennifer

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