I’ve been taking stock,
cleaning out the closets of what I think I am,
reclaiming some treasures and discarding what no longer fits.
It’s been carting off piles of what may have worked in seasons past
and infusing with sunshine fresh from the clothesline the ones I choose still to embrace.
There’s been sadness in the letting go
but this yummy, spacious joy in the after
and I feel so light about these roomy new digs that I want to share
what got refreshed and left behind to grow:
Who am I anyway. A list:
~ I’m a friend. A good one.
~ I’m a mother. Not a great one. But devoted, wholehearted, and I show up always
to the learning curve to discover, listen and improve.
And I relish the climb.
~ I’m a lover of people. Oh yes – love deeply and without apology.
I get caught up. Smitten.
And I’m rarely disappointed. People are mostly altogether
as beautiful as I first realized them to be.
Relationships may disappoint, yes, and I’m learning to better navigate those,
but I think humans are almost always lovelier than even they seem.
~ I’m a codependent, recovering. Always recovering.
But I feel the crazy like an old injury when certain triggers and fatigue wear me down
and I can stumble down those stairs so sudden
that I’m sleepwalking in the thick of habit before I’m fully awake.
I’ve wrecked a relationship or two this way.
Mostly, though, I reserve the lion’s share of injury for myself,
still often giving more than I can afford.
But I am in recovery, enthusiastically showing up to the work,
currently working a 12 step (CoDA) and getting some delicious freedom in the new.
~ Because, I’m a student. Always.
Curious and unwilling to waste my living unexplored.
~ I’m a gardener.
It’s how I see the world. I love the whole messy, unpredictable process;
– it feeds something deep inside.
~ I’m a seer…..empath…..intuit
– whatever you want to call a super-sensitive soul.
I feel places, see songs, hear hearts,
sense energies, and sometimes touch the mystic.
I accept and often enjoy this, and it also sometimes unravels me.
Such a paradox, life.
(And, yes, so woo woo)
~ I’m a listener.
I love to know people. To hear their stories.
And to be heard and known.
Assumption is the ugliest thing I know.
~ I’m a lover of nature, lover of honesty, a lover of God,
and a lover of words.
I’m a writer,
and diving deeper into the deep end of things I’ve carried
since I was only a girl full of dreams.
Someone recently handed me a box of darkness, as Mary Oliver described,
and this indeed has been gift.
I’m getting clear about who I’m not, that I am, and what my own heart may be howling
above the music of the waves.
I’ll be back more now that our busy season is done and all the gardens growing happy.
So much that I’m bursting to share!
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”
– Mary Oliver
“Over and over, we are broken on the shore of life.
Our stubborn egos are knocked around, and our frightened hearts are broken open
– not once, and not in predictable patterns,
but in surprising ways and for as long as we live.”
– Elizabeth Lesser