Teardrops in the wind…..

2015-03-21 12.25.39
I post this every year….a healing,  loving ritual

because I need to somehow honor those days out loud,
especially for those who maybe still haven’t found their voices
And for all mothers everywhere,  because our hearts bear always the stretch marks
of loving and letting go.

It was March,  1979.
Breezes turned balmy and I pulled off my shoes,  letting swollen feet tramp across warming earth.
I was pregnant with my first baby,  due St. Patrick’s Day.
For weeks I had ached for time to stop,
squeezing myself shut to the coming separation,
the word “relinquish” heavy on my heart.

But today the weather had turned,  and hadn’t everything somehow changed?
Spring had come with her own dreamy wildness
and waves to ride far beyond the looming loss.

I spent the day sunsoaking,
watching the wind stir the tireswing I’d played in
not so long ago.

I was newly seventeen,
an “unwed” mother
with an unwanted chore:
to give my baby to someone she deserved.
Soon she would come apart from me,
gone before the leaves flushed out.
Their buds were fat and ready to pop.
Like me.
I went quiet with the knowing.


But this day was vivid lovely and it got inside me.

As the sun began to dip low,
a storm of pain rumbled and hammered down urgency
inside my belly
as grownup voices began herding me into the night.

As my frightened parents gathered my things to the car,
I lunged back inside for one last moment alone
with the gentle life that had shaken mine
with her own gentle worth.

I lowered my heavy frame onto the bed and tried to sing one last lullaby
but could do only tears.
A fragile goodbye.

Following strong contractions downstairs and into the night,
I returned home with only fierce memory
of her tiny fingers and face.
But I’m forever marked by her essence,
often swept away by her melody
as it drifts across my heartstrings.

I recognize her song.

Thirty seven Springs.
I honor each of her days.
And today I tenderly comfort the girl-in-me who carried her
before she was transplanted into the garden
that nurtured her to thriving.
And I remember those shimmery days when we were just us,
when she was still mine.


Thanks for giving a listen.  For being a witness.  I hold it as a gift with love and thanks.

“The dark does not destroy the light;  it defines it.
It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”
– Brene’ Brown

“When you get to the place where you understand that love and belonging,
your worthiness,
are a birthright and not something you have to earn,
anything is possible.”
– Brene’ Brown

I’m celebrating life this week and want to offer up a package of goodness,  Stargirl style,
in a drawing.  Just because I can.  And it makes my heart smile.
I’ll draw a name from comments and make up a gift box
full of handmade art,  handwritten love,  and beautiful little surprises
picked especially you.
A little love bomb:)
Just plunk a comment in the box and I’ll send your name into the mix.


  1. Julia on March 15, 2016 at 8:46 am

    How faithful and true you are to honor this every year. Every time I read this moment in time, it grip me with such vigour and I realize it could have been me or any one of us young girls at such a young age.
    Your rendition of this event is always so poignant and it never looses it’s importance in reliving it year after year. It is etched deep in the soul and come alive every spring in remembrance of this unforgettable miraculous moment you brought a new life into this big beautiful world. You will forever be part of this life and she will be part of you.

    Hugs, Peace and Love my friend.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:08 am

      Oh my gosh how I love your words. Thank you, Julia.
      Balm and strength, they are. I so appreciate.
      Thanks for taking the time (and happy almost Spring on the farm!)

  2. Elephant's Child on March 15, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring. To you, and to all mothers. And daughters.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:07 am

      You have such a wonderful way:)
      Thank you for sharing your kind and gentle way over here, Sue.
      I appreciate:)

  3. Lynn Wilkinson on March 15, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    I love your courage with this annual sharing… Your heart so exposed and vulnerable. It is an invitation to be honest with myself about the pains and healings in my own life. To remember the small child and young woman struggling to find a voice for the screams inside.
    Thank you Jennifer. I absolutely adore you. Adore the way you use words to create images and make them come together in the most wonderful healing stories.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:07 am

      Exactly. I was talking with a really wonderful grief counselor recently
      and she asked me “what do you think of that girl now….16 year old you?”
      My unmasked response: I wish I had been there for her.
      There is something powerful about becoming there for the parts of ourselves
      stuck in struggle. You say it so very well. Thank you.
      I love the connection we share, Lynn. And you. So much:)

  4. Lady Fi on March 15, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    Such a moving post – and so beautifully written. As a mother who got her two children through adoption, I often wonder about their birthmoms and honour them silently on the children’s birthdays.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:03 am

      I’m so glad to hear from other adoptive mothers, Fi. It’s joy and balm to me.
      Thank you for sharing here. I really appreciate!

  5. Celeste Gerard on March 16, 2016 at 5:19 am

    What a lovely post. Tender memories….bitter and sweet. Hugs to you

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:02 am

      Hi Celeste,
      So glad to meet you. Thanks for stopping by and sharing such kind words.
      I appreciate it so much. I’ll come round to visit soon.

  6. Jane Brocious on March 16, 2016 at 6:29 am

    I fondly remember that “girl in you,” who gave and continues to give and celebrate the gift of life. You are simple remarkable, Jennifer! Sending much love to you the burgeoning Spring! 😘😘😘

  7. Jane Brocious on March 16, 2016 at 6:34 am

    I fondly remember that “girl in you,” who gave and continues to give and celebrate the gift of life. You are simply remarkable, Jennifer! Sending much love to you this burgeoning Spring! 😘😘😘

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:02 am

      Isn’t it amazing….after all these years. You are one of the few, friend.
      I so love and appreciate:)

  8. Wanda on March 16, 2016 at 7:52 am

    Love the way you show honor and beauty to this each year Jennifer. Lots of love to you and those who share similar stories.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:01 am

      Thanks, Wanda. I appreciate your kindness.
      I so do:)
      Much thanks,

  9. LISA MORELAND on March 16, 2016 at 9:56 am

    Grace pours from heaven when our soul sings its pain in humble truth. So beautiful, always so beautiful.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:00 am

      Gosh I love that, Lisa. I hope to remember it.
      Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart,

  10. Barbara on March 16, 2016 at 2:40 pm

    I’m so glad you share this every year. I know you speak for many and it is so full of love… and of loss… but also beauty and forgiveness. Sending you a big hug!

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 11:00 am

      Big hug back to your heart as big as Texas:) Happy Springtime there….hope
      the bluebonnets are still blooming:)
      Much love and thanks,

  11. jeanie on March 16, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    Every year when I read this I am more and more in awe of your courage and your huge heart. Your words, as always, remind me that life takes odd turns and on each and every road there is a challenge, a heartbreak, a joy, a loss. Sending love this day.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Always:) Thanks for reading along and walking it out with me, Jeanie.
      I love this blogging thing! And you. So much:)

  12. Kathryn on March 16, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    I think about you often, Jennifer..and not just when you post. I think about your bravery, that fierce love for family and life, and I am always so very grateful that I have “met” you. There are miracles all the time in my life…and I always love that I found you and that you share, and I can read your beautiful words. Does that make sense?! You really are beautiful, my friend…and strong. I like the way you think and admire you so much. I have lots of thoughts always swirling in my head, but am not so good at expressing them.

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 10:58 am

      Makes perfect sense to my heart, friend:)
      Thanks for expressing what you carry….it’s a powerful thing, you being you.
      Much love and thanks,

  13. Susan Troccolo on March 17, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    Oh dear Jennifer, I never fail to feel this story in my marrow. How is it possible to feel so much for a person over the miles, broad lands and rivers of this America…when we’ve never met? The power of your writing, your words–they’ve traveled straight into my heart. Like your message last week that journeyed right in and made me cry. I’m been struggling with a new definition of who I am. Right now, there is a huge sense of loss and “not knowing”. Yet, I’m certain–as I’m certain of this springtime–that my love of life will prevail. Thank you for your note on my blog, your great compassion..it meant more than I can say. You didn’t have to do that, yet you did. I do miss seeing friends in the online world–I’ll be back. Wishing you bright yellow today–the “sunshine on a stick”–a daffodil! Smiles, Susan

    • jennifer on March 18, 2016 at 10:57 am

      You:) So glad to hear from you; totally get you in your “not knowing” and believe in your process.
      Your love of life is so much stronger than any other message in the mire.
      You’re a lover of truth and your journey will bear that out.
      Daffodil love back to you,

  14. Robin aka on March 18, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    Your annual posting always moves me deeply…thank you once again for sharing your story. Sending a big virtual hug…

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:12 pm

      Big hug back, Robin, with thanks for your friendship
      and beauty:)

  15. Elizabeth on March 19, 2016 at 8:26 am

    Every time you post this, my awe at your courage and selfless love grows bigger. I regret not knowing you (and myself) better all those years ago but am grateful that you offer such an open spirit across the miles and years so that I can learn and grow with your nurturing.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:14 pm

      Not knowing ourselves….wouldn’t it have been an amazing thing to have known how to
      be there for our own selves when we were young.
      Thanks for your kind words, Elizabeth.
      I so appreciate. Deeply.

  16. Claire on March 19, 2016 at 9:17 am

    you, she, and this are all a holy gift. much love and sweetness to you and all you love.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:15 pm

      Thanks so much dear Claire:)
      You are many years a gift to me.
      love and sweetness,

  17. Amanda Fall on March 19, 2016 at 9:20 am

    Holding you in my heart today with extra love. You are an amazing soul . . . and I just know she is, too. xoxoxox

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:16 pm

      I feel your holding and appreciate your tender heart, Amanda.
      Thanks for being just exactly who you are. It means so much more
      than you can know.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:16 pm

      I feel your holding and appreciate your tender heart, Amanda.
      Thanks for being just exactly who you are. It means so much more
      than you can know.

  18. Rebekah Petrino on March 19, 2016 at 9:28 am

    This is so beautiful and touching. As a new mother J know those tender moments with your child in the womb. It’s unlike anything else. You are a brave soul and I thank you for giving life.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:17 pm

      Thanks for your kind gentleness, Rebekah.
      Holding your words close with much thanks:)

  19. Susan on March 19, 2016 at 10:57 am

    My heart is always with yours this time of each year and I’m so thankful that you share. I so agree with Julia in that this could be any of us young girls. I was 17, I kept my boy who has another birthday tomorrow, but because of that young age it was not easy.
    I love you so much, your big swollen with love heart and tender soul ~ xoxo

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:17 pm

      Love you, mamabear:)
      Thanks for sharing the road with me, dear Susan:)

  20. Mary on March 19, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    I hope some day that baby girl will read this and understand your loss as well as her own.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:20 pm

      We’re still in the messy middle of our stories, Mary;
      thanks so much for your kind words. I feel your hope
      and it encourages me:)

  21. Anne on March 19, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    Every year I read your tribute through tears and honor you for your fierce determination to the truth, expressed in love. Your comment above about the conversation with the grief counselor was so powerful; it hit me right in my gut. Love you.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:22 pm

      It’s a journey to learn how to be there for our own selves
      and I wonder why it seems to take so long. Thanks for your powerful words
      and beautiful heart. Your shares….I so cherish. Thanks and love,

  22. Liz on March 19, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    An act of true unselfishness and bravery … Great is your heavenly reward.

    Honour to you in the gentlest way …


    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:23 pm

      Thanks for your kind words, dear Liz:)
      I love your beautiful way,

  23. ELK on March 19, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    thankful for the way to share …sending light and love to you on this yearly remembrance!

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:24 pm

      Me, too! Isn’t blogging incredible as a vehicle for expression like this!
      I would never have dreamed back in the days:) Thanks for coming around
      and sharing the journey, Elaine. You’re such a wonderful traveling companion:)

  24. Cathy on March 19, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    I always think about you Jenny every year when March comes around. You were the bravest, strongest young lady and my cousin that I knew. What an unselfish thing you did for that beautiful little girl. I knew she was beautiful since she came from you and your Mom said she was beautiful too. What a wonder person you have become and I am so proud to call you my family!!
    Love always

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:25 pm

      Thanks, Cathy:) How kind and generous, your words.
      She is most beautiful. As are you:)
      Love and thanks,

  25. Karen Woodfin on March 19, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    Such a tender story, Jennifer. Your Momma’s heart…I know there will be more to this story. The best is, yet, to come. 💖💖

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:26 pm

      Thanks for the way you stir my hope, Karen:)
      I love getting to travel alongside of you on this journey.
      Thanks for being my friend:)

  26. Eydie on March 20, 2016 at 9:17 am

    So brave and loving for you to honor your first baby girl each and every year on this day. You know,I have always felt a strong connection with your story. My baby girl was born hours after yours, yet years apart. Tomorrow will be her 16th birthday. I will never forget the day she was born. I saw her tiny head emerge, was the first to hold and feed her, yet I did not birth her from my body. She grew in my heart for a very long time and emerged from the body of a young, beautiful, selfless 17 year old women who gave me the most meaningful and valuable gift of all –to be a mom.
    I hold you deep in my heart today and always.
    Much love and light to you.

    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:27 pm

      Yours is such a beautiful story, Eydie.
      Thanks for sharing; I appreciate your perspective.
      Much thanks for your kind words,

  27. Megan Hoyt on March 20, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Oh, my precious friend. You are so dear! And so gifted, too! Let’s get together soon, like tomorrow! Love and hugs and huge prayers for longings fulfilled.


    • jennifer on March 20, 2016 at 5:28 pm

      Thanks, Megan:)
      I appreciate your kind words and those prayers:)
      Talk soon,

  28. leslie on March 23, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    love to the girl you were, to the woman you are, to the child you hold close in your heart and remember…

    • jennifer on March 26, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      So much thanks, dear Leslie:)
      I love your words:)

  29. Elizabeth on March 23, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    How strong + brave + true you were, you are. Sending love to you of then and you of now.

    I feel honored to have witnessed this story. Thank you.

    p.s. Your header!!! Magic!!!

    • jennifer on March 26, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      Thanks for your kind words and witness, Elizabeth.
      Much joy to you as Springtime begins to thaw and thrill
      in your part of the world:)

  30. Connie Smiley on March 25, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    How moving, every year, Jennifer. I pray that you will find each other this side of heaven.

    • jennifer on March 26, 2016 at 12:35 pm

      I so appreciate you coming by and sharing your beauty, Connie;
      much love to you as you Springtime in the Ozarks:)

  31. Suzanne on June 25, 2016 at 7:20 am

    I feel honoured to be a witness to how a mom’s heart, love and soul pours out, like liquid gold and the purest of bright lights into remembering and honouring your daughter and her life each of those days since her birth. Your love for her no doubt reaches her in ways that she may recognize. I love the healing, loving rituals you do for both of you. So much love to you Jennifer!! xoxo

    • jennifer on June 26, 2016 at 6:25 am

      Thanks so much, Suzanne. Just so very, very much.
      Much love,

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