Yeah, I’ve been writing sad songs:)
It’s what I do when my heart holds close a story that I can’t yet tell
because it’s muddy waters and timing is everything
and my love for one born to me while I was still too green
is stronger than my need to turn loose the stormy waters
from inside myself.
But I’m done being mad at the little girl green that I was,
the one who tore out her heart and tucked it into the soft white blanket that I bought at Belks
when they told me I could choose one gift.
One impossible gift to wrap her in, with my heart stowed away inside.
I still remember how it burned like electricity the first time someone spit
“you gave your baby away?”
But the tears wouldn’t come.
Oh, they came in floods for the wanting her. For the missing her.
For the not being enough for her.
But I never cried it out, the pain of landing hard on the cold floor of judgment
as one who abandoned her child.
Those tears swelled in a tender place behind my ribs, un-cried until now.
At last they pour
because it came like a surgeon’s knife, her words
crisp and clean, and somehow Love has a hold on me
and I’m bleeding out the tears from a place scarred deep
and pouring on forgiveness to the girl I used to be.
I release her, too, this other child,,
5 months pregnant, scared and green,
caught up in a story way bigger than me
at the edge of seventeen.
~ I share this for all of us who carry grief over impossible choices.
No matter what we decided.
Because there’s a hefty sort of grace for it all
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process
is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
I blog out my living and breathing, sometimes messy, and it’s been swirling waters
and tear-stained keyboard for a few weeks and I’ve got to be true;
it’s just where I am.
Thank you for coming around and sharing the road even when it’s muddy.
I do have an October zine to give away
Leave a comment and you’re in the drawing
with a heap of joy and love.