My inner life has always been bright and busy and colorful,
an entertaining place to camp out for hours at a time.
I love hanging out with people, too, but there’s a sharp turn I have to take
to go there when I’m deep in thought.
Many times I’ve wrecked my bike trying to take that turn too quickly,
socially skinning my knees.
I’d fail to listen carefully and make assumptions
or say something inappropriate to the situation,
and feel embarrassed by the bobble.
When I make the turn, I’m smooth enough….a little off-center, but refreshingly so.
I recognize this now.
But many times I felt ridiculous, like I was stumbling awkward across a moving funhouse floor
while others glided graceful, smooth and sure.
Along the way I learned to muzzle myself,
fearing mistakes, misunderstandings and the misery of feeling a fool.
I avoided the bumbles so hard I hid myself away in silence.
Shame grew like mold in those shut off places;
my mind churned hot with disappointment over the likes of me.
When I did let the talk come, it poured out hopelessly fast, a forced kind of rush,
feeling hurried to scurry safe back into the quiet.
I think maybe I wanted to control the end from the beginning
and the heaviness of “what’s the use” sucked down my energy.
It’s awfully futile work, micro-managing yourself.
One day I decided I’d rather just be happy.
My energy is growing stronger
I as I do the honest work of taking off the muzzle.
It makes life satisfying and gorgeously simple
becoming free about me being me.
Wrangling for control
is a lifetime of hotflash.
There’s a truer, more beautiful way.
(there, I wish someone had told me that
a long time ago;
thanks for letting me share.)
“When someone tries to control, that energy limits love and growth.
Any attempt to control puts little strings or cords, tentacles that smother, hold back
and impact in ways that don’t heal. Control is not the way of the heart.
It is not the way of love.”