Can we talk?

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Can I share something – a little slice of my story –  with you?

My inner life has always been bright and busy and colorful,
an entertaining place to camp out for hours at a time.
I love hanging out with people,  too,  but there’s a sharp turn I have to take
to go there when I’m deep in thought.
Many times I’ve wrecked my bike trying to take that turn too quickly,
socially skinning my knees.
I’d fail to listen carefully and make assumptions
or say something inappropriate to the situation,
and feel embarrassed by the bobble.

When I make the turn,  I’m smooth enough….a little off-center,  but refreshingly so.
I recognize this now.

But many times I felt ridiculous,  like I was stumbling awkward across a moving funhouse floor
while others glided graceful,  smooth and sure.

Along the way I learned to muzzle myself,
fearing  mistakes,  misunderstandings and the misery of feeling a fool.
I avoided the bumbles so hard I hid myself away in silence.
Shame grew like mold  in those shut off places;
my mind churned hot with disappointment over the likes of me.

When I did let the talk come,  it poured out hopelessly fast,  a forced kind of rush,
feeling hurried to scurry safe back into the quiet.
I think maybe I wanted to control the end from the beginning
and the heaviness of “what’s the use” sucked down my energy.
It’s awfully futile work,  micro-managing yourself.

One day I decided I’d rather just be happy.

My energy is growing stronger
I as I do the honest work of taking off the muzzle.
It makes life satisfying and gorgeously simple
becoming free about me being me.

Wrangling for control
is a lifetime of hotflash.

There’s a truer,  more beautiful way.

(there,  I wish someone had told me that
a long time ago;
thanks for letting me share.)

When someone tries to control,  that energy limits love and growth.
 Any attempt to control puts little strings or cords,  tentacles that smother,  hold back
and impact in ways that don’t heal.  Control is not the way of the heart.
It is not the way of love.”
-Melody Beattie

Comments

  1. I am so very glad that you are releasing yourself, from the cage of other people’s expectations. And even more relieved that you are escaping from what you believed those expectations might be.
    The you that is unfurling is truly beautiful. Thank you.

  2. One of the many things I’m enjoying about getting older is knowing that’s it’s fine to be an introvert and just let it be. So many things I wish someone had told me but I guess the learning is in the living … xoxo

  3. Love what you have shared Jennifer. Like you, I am on a very similar journey of discovering, unleashing, allowing and being more my true self not caring what anyone else really thinks. It’s about time.
    I wish you every deepest desires that resides in your soul to unfold exactly as its intended for you. Blessings on your journey! xoxo

  4. Wow. I so appreciate your introspection, your thoughtful and honest analysis of who you are, what you feel and what you discover. I don’t think you are alone. I know I can personally relate and I know others can as well. I’m discovering new parts of me every day and I feel like it’s waking up to a new world. Scary, sometimes. But most times so exciting! I wish you joy in your journey. I think it will be a beautiful one.

  5. Oh I do relate, I’ve been bumbling along for years now, having choose that route of, this is who I am, getting comfortable with ourselves brings a new kind of liberty and with it comes an ease with what once made us feel awkward. Go figure 🙂
    Love how you express your heart and liberity!

  6. Interesting. I would have never guessed. My husband and one of my best friends are socially shy and uncomfortable. I would never have known had they not told me as I met each of them and (hypothetically) pulled them on the dance floor for a beautiful waltz. They both allowed and accepted my hand.
    What you have written, is it a glimpse into the introvert?
    Thank you for sharing. Glad you’re coming out to play! When you’re ready, may I have a dance?
    😉

  7. Again, I can totally relate to this post. As I went through all the stages of my life, I felt accompanied with a lifetime of experiences, wounds and circumstances and they in turn play their roles until I took control. I played by someone else’s rules and never feel comfortable till I learned to play by my own rules.

    Loosing confidence is the first thing to go, crying as if the whole world is against us, feeling inadequate and forgetful and fearful. Little by little as my body received the blows that pre-menaupause and menopause delivered with precision, I became a nobody and then I started to become stronger as if I became of age.
    I survived and realized with surprise that I’m beautiful, I’m intelligent and I’m loveable.
    God recreated me.

    Bigs hugs,
    JB

  8. Sorry for the typo… that should read “and never felt comfortable”
    JB

  9. Speak your truth, Jennifer. Bravely. Boldly. And the world will open up and love you for who YOU are. xo

  10. I would love to spend time talking about this… wish I knew this when I was younger too! However, still sick and can’t be online for too long so just leaving a quick note, letting you know I’m still around. LOVE the morning glory picture too!!

    Hugs 🙂
    Lindsay

  11. How can you, again and again, say just the thing that I have been pondering in my deepest self? I too have always questioned my social skills and tried to c-o-n-t-r-o-l my natural impulses to interject humor or comments into a conversation, and the control made me rigid and afraid to speak out. I’m better now, taking time to listen carefully to others and letting my natural humorous take on things come out gently and easily. I was always told I was too “quiet” as a child and that made me so self conscious! Yes, micro-managing uses up a lot of energy and is futile. You make me THINK, Jennifer, and your words always resonate with me. You are a true blessing for me and for many others. Thank you for that.

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