climbing dirt with the spirit in the sky….

You know how when you’re pissed off
and you need to vent to someone who can hear the whole of your rage,
can be with you when it shakes your voice
and pinches your face
….someone strong enough to stand in the impact zone
and stay,
who won’t leave even if your words draw blood,
one who can take it
 when pressure shakes your mind
and the jolts jostle hairline cracks in your soul
and you lash out with the sudden pain of it all
and stiff-arm the Love that draws near
to comfort and console.

And you want arms to wrap you in safe softness
but you growl and push them away
because the grief is telling you it will drown you
and you panic and claw at the Love
that isnt’ afraid to come close.

I found myself there this week,
submerged in murky perspective,
the ache to climb up onto something high
and have a fair shot at clarity
raged as I pulled offroad
and scrambled up a huge mound of dirt left long ago by builders,
now grown wild with grasses and sedge.


I stood on top and pounded on the heart
that already knew
and let me tell it anyway,
let my unspeakables bite and spit themselves out
until the hardness fell away
and my heart could take in the Love
and be held
and rocked tender again.

The wind brushed away despair
and whispered low and gentle
through swishing wildflowers gone to seed
and nuzzled my spirit
and something went petally soft inside
…peace,  I think.

This unnerving Love
that can take the whole of me
and not run or hide or back down,
even when I climb up and get in it’s face,
comfort and kisses…..not indifference
or disapproval
and what was that……pleasure?
not in my pain
but that
I came.

~like a parent glad
 to pull close a frightened child
and hold her near and safe.
and I…..I’m too tired to explain it away.
It’s just,
it’s just that….
isn’t.  grace.  frieking.  amazing?

Comments

  1. Jennifer, you always amaze me how you can vocalize your feelings with such ability. You seem to be in touch deep inside and you always emerge gracefully like a butterfly newly hatched or a dove set free. I love how you can put to words what most of us feel but never get to express. Hugs, JB

  2. such healthy, cleansing dear one. and yes, so wonderful that we can rant and rage without fear of the fallout. well, without fallout. and how our perspective and hearts soften, change in the process.

    how i wish i did this more often, instead of keeping it bottled up inside. sometime i don’t even know the words to what i am feeling a lot of the time.

    freaking amazing…heck yeah!!

    xxoo

  3. WOW!! I can see the release in your photos!!

  4. beautiful how that grace winged you into transformation …

  5. Holy Shit! I think I just fell in love with you. That was AMAZING!!! Felt every word. Understood every breath. I soooo wish I did not fear true self-expression so much. If that’s what it looks like, what the heck am I scared of???

    Thank you for sharing.
    Grace looks good on you. 😉

  6. grace IS freaking amazing.
    & so are your words
    & photos
    & heart.
    XOX

  7. The power of your words, raw and real. You take me with you, and remind me of my own unleashing. And the photos, amazing, you glow girl with the glint of Grace.

  8. What a great way to release those feelings. I felt some of that this week too. It has subsided now. Must have been something in the air.

  9. From rage to grace with such beauty. LOVE this. LOTS!
    You rock, my friend!
    xoxo

  10. Wow. Crazy beautiful, Jennifer.

  11. your words perfectly draw a picture of your rage and frustration to your resolution into grace…so beautiful!!

  12. Yes. It is. And so are you.

  13. This is just amazing like you are honey
    Love
    Maggie

  14. i LOVE these shots and your header. such warmth and beauty

  15. …******SO******* very *with* you on this tonight, Jen, more than you know…….

    friekin grateful with you,
    liz

  16. “pounded on the heart
    that already knew
    and let me tell it anyway…”

    Love this! And yes, it feels like peace. Shedding all of that energy and struggle and difficulty to come pack to your soft pink petal of a place. Peace, indeed.

    Thank you for brining us on this journey!

  17. Feelings but into words so beautifully Jennifer.

  18. It is amazing over and over and over. I once heard this man say that grace was like a dump truck. When he needed more…….it always came and dumped on him. Somehow I related to that. The crazy thing is that it Grace is all around us….in the “hills”, the sky, and the weeds…Everything! And like the seeds of the wildflowers, Grace reseeds Itself. AMAZING!

  19. Oh–

    there are no words to express how much this touched me.

    But oh, I am so with you, so boundlessly grateful for the Love that is always big enough for our hurt, strong enough for our anger, enduring enough for our grief . . . the Love that is Love enough to heal us when we thought we were beyond healing.

    Thank you for inviting us so sweetly, so bravely on your journey with you.

  20. Yes…amazing grace!! I can see – in your images – the shift and change and catharsis!!

  21. Oh, dear Jennifer. This is the best description of Grace, God’s amazing grace I’ve read since the first time I sang it. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost. But, not am found. Was blind, but now I see.”

  22. Beautiful Photos! 🙂

    God bless you Jennifer and I hope you have a fantastic week 🙂

  23. YES! Grace is amazing!

    And so are you.

    And your words

    and images
    and spirit
    with the wind blowing in your hair
    your words singing on high

    wow!

    thank you.

  24. Your words took my breath away… This is the first time I’ve replied, but not the first post of yours I’ve read. But, I was there once… right there. Beautifully written. Thank you.

    😉 Debi

  25. I could feel the frustration and the release. Wind has the same effect on me. Such beautiful images to go with your words, too!

  26. thanks, Jen, for dropping by “my place”…..your encouragment is always so timely, your friendship an amazing grace……

    ….just wanted to remind you how treasured you are….the broken bread of your life feeds multitudes, the poured out wine of you fills us to the brim….

    thanks from a grateful heart,
    Liz

  27. you show so much through the progression of your photos ..and your words always fill me…love you poetic soul ~

  28. your words and photos move me, to a beautiful and graceful space, in life.
    xoxo

  29. Oh, Jennifer, I have been in that spot, too, and recently. Your words simply dazzle me with their honesty and authenticity. And those last photos of you — absolutely gorgeous. You inspire in a way others can’t. Stunning. Thank you.

  30. Oh yes it is amazing! How do you do it Jen? How do you every time put your words down with the feelings so attached to each letter and touch the reader, ME, like you do? You are Amazing! Oh and you are beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. The photos of you are stunning. No I mean YOU are stunningly beautiful.

    Enjoy those comforting big gracious arms wrapped around you,
    ♥Lee Ann

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