Waylaid wings…..
Graduation time again.
Somehow this season makes the pavement of my life
go jagged
and I stub the toes of my heart
and gimp into summer
feeling the awful drag of it on my soul.
Each year I watch and cheer
for bright-eyed young graduates,
giddy with hope over their new wings
and I feel the painful mixture of joy over their go-for-launch-ness
and a searing naked shame over the torn parts of me
where my own wings should flutter.
Yes, I graduated from high school
and even college
but not with wings.
I fled my high school years,
darting away quickly without a word
or backward glance
and drove east to the sea
hoping to soak in some saltwater peace
instead of the lonely fears
that met me even there,
that met me even there,
the weight of thick, dark shame
still heavy on my neck and back.
More than thirty years have passed
….years drenched in grace
….years drenched in grace
and a fresh thirst for flight has blossomed inside
(the yearning stirred even more by watching all of you
with your pretty gossamer wings!).
with your pretty gossamer wings!).
As this week crashed over me,
I remembered where I left them.
I remembered.
And so I went back to my unfinished business,
back to her,
that frightened, lonely girl with the big hair
trying way, way too hard.
And I stepped into that place
where accusation had grabbed
my girl-soul
my girl-soul
and dragged her to the bottom
of her shame
of her shame
and death-rolled her
until disoriented,
until disoriented,
inhaling so much guilt
she couldn’t breathe.
she couldn’t breathe.
“No….Stop!” I spoke up in her defense.
“She is WORTHY of love….of flight….of wings.”
And I saw where they’d been torn
from her young shoulders,
from her young shoulders,
then draped instead in shame.
And I stepped in.
And reclaimed them.
Oh yes I did.
“Here, baby, these wings belong to you.
You’ll grow into them.
Come on out….go free.
It’s safe for you to bloom.
I’m celebrating again this year
loved ones launching
into fresh blue skies
and as I stand and cheer
my heart sees still another girl on the stage,
my own young face,
my own young face,
and I call out to her also
with love and acceptance
“I am for you!
I am for you!
I am for you!”
(4:44…….my number, the one the universe has been sending me for years!)
(4:44…….my number, the one the universe has been sending me for years!)
come visit my etsy shop, if you like:)
oh,
by the way,
blogger seems to be out of sorts
regarding allowing commenting,
turning it into a wild goose chase for some.
I was having a world of trouble with it,
when I learned a simple fix
(not convenient, but simple)
1. Go to google.com
2. type in “blogger.com” directly on google’s home page.
3. visit blogs as you would any other time.
Somehow this works.
Go figure.
Hope this helps someone.
oh,
by the way,
blogger seems to be out of sorts
regarding allowing commenting,
turning it into a wild goose chase for some.
I was having a world of trouble with it,
when I learned a simple fix
(not convenient, but simple)
1. Go to google.com
2. type in “blogger.com” directly on google’s home page.
3. visit blogs as you would any other time.
Somehow this works.
Go figure.
Hope this helps someone.
Love your new art work to go with this deeply, moving piece. You know this one is for the book, heart wrenching and joyous at the same time. Such imagery.
Love your spirit with it's sparkling new wings 🙂
Hi Jennifer, I love your happy ending. You have such a poetic gift with words. I have never been able to express my pains so eloquently. I always love reading your poetry. Have a great rest of weekend Jennifer. JB
It's never too late to spread those beautiful wings and fly …
Forgiveness counts for one's self, too…pleased and cheering for the beautiful butterfly ending, Jennifer! BIG huge hugs to you…k
Jennifer! Our parellel universe never ceases to *amaze* me…..just this last week I stumbled on old pictures from my childhood through my teenage and young adult years and it stirred such ache and sadness in me as I was struggling to understand my heart's flip-flops of late…….
…firstly, this writing was nothing less than a writ of release for me…..
…..secondly, your number, 4:44….I understand this…..for years mine has been 11:11, 1111, everywhere and at crucial times 1111…..what do make of it? Please answer on my site…I'd love to know your take on this….
Oh, Jen, with all my heart, thank you…..
jennifer, i love that sweet ducky art!!!!
& dear, i gently reach for your big hair
& create a long braid that shines like the sun
along with all your gorgeous flowers.
lovelovelove. xox
spread those wings, that you show all of us you have, and fly high and proud !
you can do it !
loved this so! as I'm stepping off the branch to try out my own wings, you give me so much hope to fly without fear of mistakes and inspire me to love me and my life. I love you Jennifer!
Jennifer,
I say your wings the very first time I visited your blog.
They are pure,
beautiful
and oh how they spread
so wide and strong.
xoxo
high school years are for many a really tough time .. you have such soft yet strong wings and your writing lifts me .. to a very encouraging space . Your honesty and poetic storytelling cause me to know all is well..blessings friend
Oh girlfriend, you went and made me tear up AGAIN!! Your beautiful soul just beams out of the verses from life that you write. I'm so glad you spoke up for her..Oh yes she is so worthy of love and those special wings! I wish I could have been like Tinkerbell those over 30 years ago, so I could have been there to tell you what a very beautiful soul you were and ARE! I would have given you wonderful golden sparkles for your wings and encouraged YOU to fly a little higher each day saying You can do it…You can do it…I believe in you!
Tinkerbell gave me some of her gold dust just now and told me I could sprinkle it on anyone I chose and I choose you!
♥Lee Ann
Oh girlfriend, you went and made me tear up AGAIN!! Your beautiful soul just beams out of the verses from life that you write. I'm so glad you spoke up for her..Oh yes she is so worthy of love and those special wings! I wish I could have been like Tinkerbell those over 30 years ago, so I could have been there to tell you what a very beautiful soul you were and ARE! I would have given you wonderful golden sparkles for your wings and encouraged YOU to fly a little higher each day saying You can do it…You can do it…I believe in you!
Tinkerbell gave me some of her gold dust just now and told me I could sprinkle it on anyone I chose and I choose you!
♥Lee Ann
Boy, have I missed you these last few months…….Your blog is so colorful and it's full of adventure…..maybe it's the residue from your wings……
All of our wings have been damaged from the hurts and pains of life but they will still fly and take us to heights that only God can image…..I see you there flying beside me smiling and giving forth your words of wisdom..Our wings may not be all sparkling and new but girlfriend we can still soar and soar we will……
Hugs and blessings
Awesome my Jen, awesome. Love the duck. Took me a second to notice the duck there. God has truly blessed you dear one. Blessings.
such healing in those words…I am for you!!
i would say your beautiful wings have taken flight and God is restoring the lost years. you spread a beautiful fragrance as you soar my friend!!
xxoo
I'm sending every girl I've known and love to read this post.
Since I've come to know you
these past few years
I have seen you flutter those wings.
Now it's time to soar even higher,
as you do in your beautiful art and prose.
I love your gifts, but most of all,
I love you.
this made me tear up. your words spoke to me~ warmed my heart.
i love your shop, it is just lovely. a shopping trip is in need. ; )
xo
First, this is not the heart of what I want to say, but I do have to thank you for the commenting fix. That was driving me absolutley NUTS! Also, I have to tell you. Nobody I know can do a metaphor like you can. NOONE! "stubbed the toes of my heart" will resonate with me all day.
And, your heart. Your beautiful heart. Will it seem weird to you if I tell you that I am proud of you? Because I am. I really am. I am so proud that you had the courage to reclaim that young, frightened, big-haired girl and offer her love and compassion and a release of shame. I don't know what else to say except, YAY!! That girl, used all her shame and pain to turn into a remarkale woman. I think you should be proud.
(Hmmmmm…. Now I'm coming up as anonymous. It's me, your friend Relyn from comesitbymyfire.)
June 1, 2011 10:51 AM
First of all Jennifer…. I'm sooooo happy I checked in today because your post is absolutely what I needed to read. I love it when the universe works like this! I'm going to reread it after I'm done commenting here. Thanks so much for your comment help. I'll give it a try. I've been so rustrated that I haven't blogged in awhile. You're so very helpful to me today!
xo
dulcy