Becoming home…

amazing squirrelAs a young girl I held a lonely dream
close to my heart
of a home
I wanted to build one day,
my soul hungry with
wishing and wanting.I imagined how this home
would feel
~warm and welcoming,
comfortable and comforting,
psychologically approachable
yet disarming
with friendly unexpecteds
…a gentle surprise here
some quirky dissonance there,
like good music and coffee and stories and wine.
Outside the wolves may howl
but my nest would be fiercely gentle
and relentlessly FOR the tender hearts who took shelter there.

I had a moment earlier this week
when time stood still enough to be noticed
like the children’s growth marks we used to scratch in pencil
on our kitchen door frame.
In just that moment, for no particular reason,
my heart took a candid snapshot of my present home.
~sort of took it’s emotional temperature.

(It was like stepping on a scale after you’ve given up dieting
…gave yourself a break and began enjoying life and food,
maybe just swallowing less,
and the grace almost knocks you over
as you wonder “HOW did this happen?
Effortless weight loss!)

After years of trying to make the sweet home of my dreams,
a safe place to rest and be and play and fall
I gave up.
I didn’t leave or quit on the people I love.
I just let go of the idealism that was driving me,
choosing instead to get busy living my own life
and becoming who I was born to be
instead of wrapping myself in everyone elses.

And now, here it was,
the thermometer reading a brilliant 98.6.
Perfect? Hardly.
But healthy.

I wonder if the home I’ve always dreamed of
is simply my own bare soul drawn near to the warm fire of grace
burning bright,
not just for the others,
but for myself as well.

Maybe I’m becoming
the home I always longed for.

Comments

  1. Oh Jen, I so appreciate your wisdom…I'll always be grateful for the timely entrance your stream made into mine…..

  2. Say It In Color says

    Wow, I haven't been here in a while….and love your writing!! Just beautiful….touches home!

  3. rachel awes says

    yessssssssss!
    YOU are the home.
    this is why this vision of home over the years
    has sprung from YOU!
    i'd say that is certainly worthy
    of another pencil measurement mark
    on the wall.
    & i, for one, loooove your home.
    you have blessed me with it time & time again.
    xoxox

  4. I fall in love with your words, the original way you phrase things. I fall in love with the wisdom of Grace that flows through everything you right. I fall in love with the God of Grace that your heart so embraces and gives out. Another powerful entry for the book. I so get what you are talking about, it's not until we discover who we were meant to be all along that everything else finds it's rightful place as well.

  5. and the hearth of your heart
    is a very
    comforting
    place to be
    as your words
    flicker
    lights
    of grace …

  6. Thank you Jennifer–this was so timely for this gal<3 Gwen Lilly

  7. Just Be Real says

    The insight you share is so profound dear Jen. Appreciate always what you have to say and your encouragement. Blessings.

  8. 'Quirky dissonance…my own bare soul drawn near to the warm fire of grace
    burning bright,…' This excellent poem has wonderful lines about the home you, (we readers), are building!

  9. GRACE! PURE GRACE!

  10. now that's what they call truth…..

    thank you for such kind words on my blog…..you totally made my day sparkle !

  11. I'm right there with you girl……know exactly what you are talking about…you just say it so beautifully……

  12. yes, yes, yes! I can so relate to this Jennifer. I tried so hard in all the wrong ways to make my home a safe haven. until I stopped trying to control the externals of myself and everyone else, and let God begin the internal work on me – and others (instead of me doing it) did my home become a safe place for others to be themselves in their imperfections. The Spirit works, and gently changes us without us noticing the process.

    I am waiting patiently for your book!! đŸ™‚

  13. Jennifer, thank you so very much for the comment you left on my blog. I had to show it to my Mom and husband as it was just so wonderful. This is my first visit to your blog and I am in agreement with everything you say. Your writing is gorgeous. Sending love and good wishes!

  14. LindyLouMac says

    Maybe we become at home with ourselves as we get older and wiser? Fabulous writing as always, have you ever had any published?

  15. that soul you speak of? it is So beautiful.
    xo

  16. I honestly don't know how to write to you of how you move me. It's like you see the heart in me, as well as your own, and you reach out and offer a tender, loving massage. And, I walk away from her feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and known. I love that. I love you.

  17. Erin Butson says

    I agree with Relyn. She said what I was gonna say. You find words and pictures for thoughts + feelings + emotions that so few of us can articulate. It is a pure gift…
    "but my nest would be fiercely gentle
    and relentlessly FOR the tender hearts who took shelter there." I love this.

  18. Your post makes me feel very content and happy today. I believe that the struggles you write about are part of the journey, and it can take a long while to reach a place of comfort and realization of where our home truly is.

  19. As I look around my home, I realize it is not perfect and I have even put off doing a few decor things I've wanted to do while busy with life and loving my family. But I know it says welcome and warm love is inside. When I read your words Jennifer, that is exactly how you make me feel. Welcome and warm inside! Thank you friend for welcoming us always inside of your heart♥!

    ♥Lee Ann

  20. As I look around my home, I realize it is not perfect and I have even put off doing a few decor things I've wanted to do while busy with life and loving my family. But I know it says welcome and warm love is inside. When I read your words Jennifer, that is exactly how you make me feel. Welcome and warm inside! Thank you friend for welcoming us always inside of your heart♥!

    ♥Lee Ann

  21. Your writing is amazing! I love your originality, your phrases: "with friendly unexpecteds, a gentle surprise here, some quirky dissonance there." I found your blog today, and I've read every entry. Your writing has grown, expanded–blossomed! I love the way you write about Love, Grace, and God. Thank you for sharing your gifts so generously!

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