Fast tide rising…..

Did I really disappear for this long?
I think my breath got too short in the thicket
of dear ones in pain and feeling too thin spread over jagged edges of great need.
As if there wasn’t enough oxygen left over in my life-living
to come over here and say my words.

Because I felt for awhile too small for this world,
like there was more to lift than I could heft.
And while I doggie paddled through the soupy swirl,
something hard and sharp and brilliant began to slice away at some of my false parts
until I could feel the true of me rise.
Like new wine from the press.

I’m not sure how to come back;  feels like too much story to tell short.
So for now I’ll share some gifts I’ve discovered in the unpacking.
Celebrating found gold from the road:

~ the gentle surprise that I’m better able to hold space for my dear ones in their pain
because I’m more comfortable sitting now in my own.

~ that I’m safe to make peace with whatever is in my path,
even what I can’t yet see around that scary-looking corner up ahead.

~ that I can own my mistakes and also hold it tender for myself
that I didn’t know how to do different or better
….to forgive this quick and not waste the grief.

~ for change that shakes my shaky things,
that stirs my stuck places into rock and shudder,
and the spaciousness that settles in sweet when I make some room for defeat.

~ that the sense of groaning, splintering floorboards that scared my breathing shallow,
fearing that it was the sound of my life in collapse,
was only the end of things as I knew them.
But not even close to over.
That life is made to be breakable.  And so are we.  Nothing is beyond repair

Because this storm is like a fast tide rising,
lifting the doldrums until my ship floats free.
There is meaningful motion where before were only dry-docked dreams.

~ that the birds keep singing;
(always they teach)
and so,  yes so,  can I.

“The pain that comes from loving someone who is in trouble can be profound.”

“We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt.  No one,  that is,  but ourselves.”

“Remember the key principles:  boundaries,  letting go,
forgiveness after feeling my feelings – not before,
self-expression,  loving others,  but loving myself too.”

– All priceless gems from Melody Beattie

 

 

Comments

  1. Welcome back.
    You have been missed.
    And how I love the powerful signposts/messages you have found on your journey.

  2. “Nothing is beyond repair.” I wonder what has been going on with you, Jennifer. Your words are so lyrical, your heart so big. You left me such a caring comment on my blog, it really touched me. Thank you so much for that. It is so good to return here, to this place of hope and deep emotion. I’m glad to see you back here and send you loving wishes. Your message is so important – setting boundaries and sometimes having to let go. This is something I am learning, always learning. Thank you for for your beautiful thoughts and words.

    • It’s a forever learning curve, isn’t it Judy.
      Always the letting go of control but holding tight to hope and courage.
      Loving enough to not rescue when I care so very, very deeply.
      Addiction and the wreckage it leaves in it’s wake.
      Recovery and doing my own work. Not taking responsibility for someone else’s journey.
      God, it’s a challenge. But one we’re born for and not left alone to struggle through alone.
      Grateful for each fresh moment as it comes. Always there is grace for that small sip of time:)
      Thanks for your kind works and encouragement,
      Jennifer
      jennifer recently posted…Fast tide rising…..My Profile

  3. Your words are pure poetry! I’m so sorry to hear that life has been tough for you… And glad to see that still you rise.

  4. Dear sweet Jennifer. There is so much wisdom in your words and I can relate to them and in some way I feel closer to you. You feel it to the raw and you can express what most of us can’t. Our love for the ones we can’t seem to be able to help beyond just loving sometimes seems more than we can bear but I choose to have hope, always hope through prayers.

    Thanks so much for blowing some kind words my way on my blog.
    Love & hugs, Julia

    • I do feel life to the raw:/ Sometimes I wish my skin were thinner:)
      But being alive is grand. I think the unbearable parts happen only when
      we keep ourselves from the love and support available. It’s available –
      i have to remind myself of this daily…to not be so impossibly independent.
      Thanks for blowing your kind words here and saying it all so sweet:)
      -Jennifer
      jennifer recently posted…Fast tide rising…..My Profile

  5. We come, we go, we fight, we live, we love, we try, we fall, we stumble, we rise, we forgive. Your words are so very powerful, Jennifer. If I was sitting in the same space as you, I’d wrap my arms about you in the biggest healing hug I have, grateful and privileged to hear the stories, the whys, the hurts and yet no explanation required. Somehow through your pain you write with eloquence, with deep poignancy. Can you feel the hug across states and time? It’s there. I’m here too, if you need me.

  6. Oh, how I’ve been missing you!! As I read each of the comments left for you here there’s no way I can say it any better than these ladies have, you have touched our hearts profoundly … thank you, always.
    xoxo

  7. What more can I add to all the comments above? BIG HUGS!!!

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