Of curiosity and closets and the clothesline of things…..

I’ve been taking stock,
cleaning out the closets of what I think I am,
reclaiming some treasures and discarding what no longer fits.
It’s been carting off piles of what may have worked in seasons past
and infusing with sunshine fresh from the clothesline the ones I choose still to embrace.
There’s been sadness in the letting go
but this yummy, spacious joy in the after
and I feel so light about these roomy new digs that I want to share
what got refreshed and left behind to grow:

Who am I anyway.  A list:

~ I’m a friend.  A good one.

~  I’m a mother.  Not a great one.  But devoted,  wholehearted,  and I show up always
to the learning curve to discover,  listen and improve.
And I relish the climb.

~ I’m a lover of people.  Oh yes – love deeply and without apology.
I get caught up.  Smitten.
And I’m rarely disappointed.   People are mostly altogether
as beautiful as I first realized them to be.
Relationships may disappoint, yes,  and I’m learning to better navigate those,
but I think humans are almost always lovelier than even they seem.

~ I’m a codependent, recovering.  Always recovering.
But I feel the crazy like an old injury when certain triggers and fatigue wear me down
and I can stumble down those stairs so sudden
that I’m sleepwalking in the thick of habit before I’m fully awake.
I’ve wrecked a relationship or two this way.
Mostly,  though,  I reserve the lion’s share of injury for myself,
still often giving more than I can afford.
But I am in recovery, enthusiastically showing up to the work,
currently working a 12 step (CoDA) and getting some delicious freedom in the new.

~ Because, I’m a student.  Always.
Curious and unwilling to waste my living unexplored.

~ I’m a gardener.
It’s how I see the world.  I love the whole messy, unpredictable process;
– it feeds something deep inside.

~ I’m a seer…..empath…..intuit
– whatever you want to call a super-sensitive soul.
I feel places,  see songs,  hear hearts,
sense energies,  and sometimes touch the mystic.
I accept and often enjoy this,  and it also sometimes unravels me.
Such a paradox,  life.
(And,  yes,  so woo woo)

~ I’m a listener.
I love to know people.  To hear their stories.
And to be heard and known.
Assumption is the ugliest thing I know.

~ I’m a lover of nature,  lover of honesty,  a lover of God,
and a lover of words.
I’m a writer,
and diving deeper into the deep end of things I’ve carried
since I was only a girl full of dreams.

Someone recently handed me a box of darkness,  as Mary Oliver described,
and this indeed has been gift.
I’m getting clear about who I’m not,  that I am,  and what my own heart may be howling
above the music of the waves.

I’ll be back more now that our busy season is done and all the gardens growing happy.
So much that I’m bursting to share!

 “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this,  too,  was a gift.”
– Mary Oliver

“Over and over,  we are broken on the shore of life.
Our stubborn egos are knocked around,  and our frightened hearts are broken open
– not once,  and not in predictable patterns,
but in surprising ways and for as long as we live.”
– Elizabeth Lesser

Comments

  1. Dear Jennifer, it takes a lot of courage to disclose your codependency and I never knew there was a help group for this but I’m so glad there is.
    I wish you all the success with the 12 steps program. Your writing is always so poetic and a real treasure to read.
    Hugs, Julia

  2. Jodyfish says:

    You’re a sweet soul, full of muchness and beauty.

  3. None of this comes as a surprise (because you are also very open) except for the co-dependent part, but that’s not really so surprising because you are such a caring, thoughtful person. One correction I’ll make – I believe you are a great mother, even if it’s just based on all that you described. You are definitely a writer and artist!

  4. You are also a star. A beacon of faith and hope and light for those of us who lack your courage. And honesty. And integrity.
    As you shine on, I hope that rainbows always keep you company.
    Hugs.

  5. Susan Troccolo
    Twitter:
    says:

    From one empath to another…are you as surprised as I am in the falling down those old stairs, so accustomed and so different each time? No wonder I keep your card above my desk: “deep gulps of peace and sanity” you wrote. What do I want more than anything? Peace at heart. Meanwhile, I’ll dig in the dirt and turn over stones, laugh and cry in the same breath. It is so profoundly good to know that you are in this world Jennifer. Thank you. Susie T.

  6. I love the way you see the beauty in everything – even in the darker gifts.

  7. The gifts from seasons of darkness are seen only by those who have attuned, mentored the heart to sense, intuit, perceive. Your treasures include such a heart, equipped to see heavenly bodies that light darkness.

  8. Long ago, my friend, I won one of your Ripple drawings and you included a beautiful little card — white writing on black saying all the things I was. I still hold that, and that little packet close to my heart. I am glad you have looked into your beautiful self and shared all the things YOU are. I don’t know about you but it’s very easy for me to fall into the negative — “I’m too fat.” “My teeth are too crooked” “I’m not enough.” And it’s harder to say all the things that are real and good. I’m getting better at it but I think I may have just met the master. I can’t tell you how much I love this post.

    I have this vision of you — walking in a garden and toward the most beautiful light. And the light is the true discovery of all you are.

  9. Oh, Jennifer, what can I say? Your poetic friends have said it all, and I agree 100% with them. You are so blessed to have such friends surrounding you with love and honesty, and with hearts and minds to receive all that you share. Why? Because we can all relate to what you have experienced … and still are. No poetic words from me, just simply that we love you and thank you for keeping us on the right path of walking in our own gardens, towards the light of true discovery.

  10. After reading your heartbreakingly honest and beautiful words and all the just as wonderful comments and then taking a deep breath, I wondered what I could possibly add and then I see that Sharon feels much the same way and stated it perfectly.
    All I can say is the way you travel through life with love and grace always makes me want to be a better woman/person/mother/friend.
    xoxo

  11. This is exactly why I keep showing up here in your little space. To always be in awe and inspired. Thank you so much!

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